The Equestrian Anomaly
by Purpose Porpoise
Summary: Ah, Equestria, The peaceful world of ponies. Nothing could ever change that tranquility.  Except maybe this guy.   Join Chris, America's Biggest Jerk with a heart of gold, As he Rampages through Equestria, Kickin' Ass and Crackin' Jokes.
1. There Goes The Neighborhood

"What the hell?" I screamed aloud. I'm stuck upside down in a tree in the middle of some random forest. Strange, considering I was previously in the middle of a nuclear explosion. Maybe I was thrown into the nearby mountains. I looked around the forest. It looked nothing like the Rockies.

"Just like in the Empire Strikes Back," I started "Too bad I can't use the Force."

Movie references aside I began to struggle myself from my hanging position.

"Fuck!" I screamed," How am I supposed to get down?"

"Asking nicely would help" A smooth voice said from behind me. I Sighed in relief At the sound. Finally, I could get out of this mess. Before I could ask to be freed,however, a large Dragon,Chimera, or some other mystical creature appeared right in front of me.

"What are you, some sort of fucked up dragon?" I asked confused. The Thing (whatever it was) started chuckling.

"I'm Discord my friend," It started,"And I have a special plan for you."

"If it involves rape or murder I'll kindly pass the offer"

"Oh no boy, I'm the one who brought you here. You're going to play a game."

"Why?"

"Why not? I'm all powerful, I could do whatever I please."

I was cofused. Why would some talking dragon abomination bring me to the middle of some random forest to play a game?

"What if I don't wanna play?" I asked.

"You have no choice. Now then, Shall we begin?"

"I can't really do much hanging from a goddamn tree!"

Discord or whatever Snapped his fingers (claws?) and I suddenly felt the ground on my head.

"Asshole" I muttered.

"Now lets begin"

"What's the game?" I asked as I rose to my feet, still a little dazed from the fall.

"You"

"Wait, What?" I asked cofused. maybe this thing was fucking with me or I was hallucinating. Either way it was still confusing.

"I'll tell you more later" he said. "But for now, I'd run if I were you"

I was about to ask him why but was interupted by a loud roar. I turned around and came face to chest with a giant lion.

"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed. Whatever that thing was looked really hungry. It swung a Giant trunk sized paw at me. I dodged and sprinted as fast as I could away. I ran onto a nearby path, trying to avoid the swipes of the lion's paw on my ass.

"FUCK!" I loudly screamed, the thing was almost right behind me, roaring with ferocity and hunger. Soon though the roaring faded, and just before I could stop I ran head on into something strange and squishy. I fell face first into the gound, taking in a lot of dirt to the mouth.

"Amph!*tooey* What the Fuck?" I yelled angrily. You'd be pissed too if you just inhaled dirt.

"Why I never... Watch where you're going you ruffian!" an elegant female voice spoke. I turned, readying an insult, until I saw a strange white unicorn staring at me wide eyed.

"Wha-what are you?" She asked. I returned her wide eyed stare. A Unicorn,I repeat, A FUCKING UNICORN was standing right in front of me. As quickly as my surprise came, it vanished, replaced with my usual "Smartass Attitude."

"Well, Whatever you are, you made me drop my fabulous dresses!"

I glanced down and, sure enough, three dresses littered the ground in front of her.

"Then pick them up." I stated. she gave me another googley eyed stare. Hasn't she seen a human before?

"You-you can talk?" she asked surprised.

"Well, no shit," I replied. "Do I look like a dumbass to you?"

"Uhhh...No,"

"Then that answers your question,"

She gave me a quizzical look. "Then what exactly are you?" She inquired.

"Human," I stated simply. The unicorn still looked confused.

"What is a human?"

"Me,"

"That didn't answer my question,"

"Too bad,"

Her expression changed to one of annoyance and confusion, matching my own. I decided to risk a question.

"Can I ask you something?" I began. "Where the hell am I?"

"You are in the outskirts of Ponyville," She replied. Pointing to a town or village nearby. "I was on my way to a friend's house, until you charged me."

I looked into the town. Horses and ponies Of different colors and races (I think?) bustled about in the stange town.

"Think you could show me around?" I asked. "I don't know the town that well, And I fucking hate getting lost."

"I suppose I could Give you a tour of Ponyville," The unicorn began. "It shall be marvelous."

"Don't get your panties in a bunch," I said. "By the way, You got a name?"

"I'm Rarity," She said. "What about you?"

"I'm Chris."

"Strange name, but a pleasure to meet you, Chris. Shall we go?"

"Lead the way"


	2. This Ain't Kansas Anymore

Walking though this "Ponyville" was really getting on my nerves. Everywhere I look ponies are staring at me like some sort of freak. Looks of apprehension and confusion were marked all over thier faces.

"Why are you all staring at me?" I asked aloud. I should have kept quiet because as soon as I said that murmurs broke out from the ponies looking at me. I was about to tell them to fuck off when my vision was suddenly engulfed in pink.

"HI!"

"GAH,WHAT THE FUCK" I jumped back. I stumbled and fell on my ass.

"OOH, Rarity, What is this thing?" some random pink pony said. She looked at me in curiousity and happiness.

"He is a human,Pinkie Pie. He crashed into me in the outskirts," Rarity stated. I picked myself off the ground, dusting the dirt off that accumulated on my ass.

"Yeah, my name's Chris,Whats up?" I greeted. "Thats a silly name," she said "OOH, You must be new in ponyville, because I've never seen you before and I know everypony in Ponyville. That Means-!" The pink pony sprinted off in some random direction before I could say anything.

My eye twitched. Was Everyone in this town like her? If so, I wouldn't be responsible for my actions

"Who the hell was she?" I asked Rarity. She chuckled nervously at the question.

"Thats Pinkie Pie, she's a little...different," She stated.

"I'll say. So where are we headed first?"

"We'll stop at the library first. My friend Twilight would be happy to meet someone such as yourself."

"I hate meeting new people, err...uhh...ponies"

"Well, Twilight is one of the friendliest ponies I have ever met, I'm sure she can put up with your rudeness."

I scowled at Rarity. I wasn't rude...much.

And so our trek through Ponyville continued. The ponies still staring into me with confused looks.

We stopped our walk in front of some Big-ass tree.

"It looks like some dumbass put a door on a tree and decided to live in it." I stated flatly. Rarity gave me a stern look. maybe her patience is wearing thin, because I love pissing people off. She walked up to the door and gave it three knocks.

"No, no, no, You're doing it wrong, this is how you knock" I Strolled to the door and Started pounding on it with my fist.

"OPEN THE MOTHERFUCKING DOOR!" I bellowed.

After some shuffling sounds from inside the door flew open, revrealing a tired looking purple lizard thing. "Don't knock so hard, I was taking a nap." It said before looking up at me.

"Wha...WHAT ARE YOU! TWILIGHT,GET OVER HERE THERE'S A MONSTER AT THE DOOR!" It glanced over at Rarity. "AND IT'S GOT RARITY!"

The little lizard thing bolted back inside, slamming the door behind it.

"YEAH, WELL, UP YOUR'S TOO, BITCH" I screamed after it.

"How rude of you to say that, Spike was just scared of you." Rarity glared. "Perhaps you should tone down your antics a bit, they really are..."

"Obnoxious?" A Voice asked. The purple lizard was back at the door, this time a purple unicorn was accompanying him now.

"Well, Fuck you too," I said back at the unicorn. It scowled at me before looking over to Rarity.

"Who, or more importantly, what is this?" she asked.

"I'm a human, My name is Chris," I Stated. Her expression turned cofused.

"what's a human?"

I smacked my hand on my face audibly, Was everyone in this city stupid?

"I'd tell you, but you could not possibly comprehend any word I say." I replied. She stared at me some more (What is it with ponies and staring?) before directing her attention to Rarity.

"So where'd you find him?" She asked.

"The outskirts. He crashed into me as I was delivering an order. Now I have to wash all those dresses AGAIN." Rarity replied exasperated.

"Oh, Quit being a bitch." I quipped. That seemed to really piss her off becaus she fumed silently for a few moments.

3...

2...

1...

"Why I never, in all my days, met somepony as disresoectful and rude as you!" She screamed, Though I really couldn't hear her over the sound of how much I was laughing. She sounded like a royally pissed off Queen of England. I calmed my laughter to see both unicorns glaring daggers at me.

"Rarity, go get the other girls, I think we and Celestia need to have a little chat with him."


	3. Introductions and other fine messes

"And that is how I lost my virginity and finished my spaghetti," I finished dramatically. I was sitting in the midlle of that big ass tree, Surrounded by more ponies then nescessary. That Twilight Unicorn or whatever ran off with the dragon and left me here with her friends That Rarity had to go fetch.

"That doesn't make sense," A rainbow colored winged horse said, Giving a look of total confusion to me. "We just got here and then you said that, Whats it supposed to mean?"

"Details Aren't important right now, All you need to know is that tale had tomato sauce and A LOT of bear traps." I Shrugged. The rainbow colored horse still looked at me in confusion before leaning back.

"So What are you Anyway?" she asked.

"For the sake of simplicity lets just say I'm not a pony, alright?"She shot me a quizzical look then sighed in exasperation.

"Where're Ya from?" A pony with a hat asked.

"California. Part of The best nation in the world, AMERICA!" I beamed back with patriotism.

"Never heard of it," the rainbow colored pegasus said. I looked at her in disbelief. They never heard of America?

"Wow, Really? Everyone's heard of America. It's the best nation in the goddamn world!" I shot back in disbelief. "Well, It used to be,"

"What happened, I thought you said it was the best country in the world?" The rainbow one said again with a hint of Sarcasm.

"Oh, nothing bad," I quipped back. "We just Got ourselves nuked to shit, and now America is nothing more than radioactive dust."

"What does that even Mean?" Twilight said when she took a seat next to the rainbow colored horse, looking at me intensely. "I'd love to learn what 'Nuked to shit' means,"

I just stared at her in disbelief.

"I just got a reply from the princess, She should be here shortly." she said casually.

"Alright. So... While we're waiting, What are your names." I asked awkwardly.

The rainbow colored one spoke first. "I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all Equestria."

"I'm Applejack,Pleased ta meetcha," The cowboy hat wearing pony said with a smile.

"You've already met me," Rarity joked. I just gave her an irritated look.

"I'm Flu-Fl-Flut-Fluttershy," I heard a yellow pony squeek out, obviously scared.

"And I'm Pinkie pie!" the pink blur who knocked me on my ass earlier said.

"Wow, those are some weird names, but I've heard weirder."

"Oh yeah, I bet you're name's weirder" Rainbow Dash shot.

Ooh, A challenger approaches.

"My name is Chris, But you may call me Vilhelm Von Shnitzelnazi" I Replied in my best German Accent. Rainbow Dash just looked at me like I was Crazy.

"Alright, Mr Willham Von Whatever, That name is Weirder han ours, and You're aking fun of us? Are you stupid?"

"Hey," I pointed at her, "Stop this Bullshit, and my name is Chris for Christs sake,"  
>She just sat down, annoyed and probably confused at me.<p>

Suddenly A bright light engulfed the room, Blinding me in the process. In the center of the room was A pony with giant wings and a horn, with gold on her hooves and crown. Then again, I couldn't tell considering I was still pretty blinded. I rubbed my eyes and got a better look. Looks like the princess arrived.

"Hello Twilight, my star pupil, What seems to be the matteer?" She said.

"Princess Celestia," they all bowed.

"We wanted you to meet this thing, He says he's a human that isn't from here." Twilight said inicating towards me. I almost gave her a 'You don't Say!'

"'Sup, I'm Chris," I tried to say in a respectful tone.

"Hello, Chris, my name is Princess Celestia. Please let me be the first to properly welcome you to Equestria." She said.

"Thanks, Gotta say it's pretty nice walking into a town not infested with people trying to kill me,"

"What do you mean?" The princess asked concerned

"Lets just say that before America got nuked, Our asses got invaded by these douches who hate America." I Casually replied.

"I'm Sorry to hear that," Celestia said,

"Eh, It's all right, At least I don't have to worry about some Dickhead popping a new one in my forehead," I joked. Nobody laughed.

"So how did you get here, Chris?" Celestia Questioned.

"Oh, Some fucker known as Discord brought me here,"

"WHAT! Discord has...Returned?" Celestia Yelled. Goddamn She was Scary.

"What, But we Defeated him already, The Elements trapped him in stone," Twilight Said, obviously worried. the other ponies Had looks of worry apparent on their face as well.

"Is something I'm Missing here?" I asked Confused.

"Discord is the god of chaos and destruction, This is his third time breaking out,"

"Why not just kill the fucker?"

All the ponies just gasped in shock

"What?"

"Why would we do such a thing, that's just barbaric," Rarity Scolded.

"I'm just Sayin', It's something to think about,"

"Why you may be Accustomed to violence, We need to take a different approach To dealing with discord." Celestia said. "We don't need to kill him,"

Well I feel awkward now, Activating Subject change,

"So... what about them nicks?"

Perfect.

"There's No time for talk, Twilight you must go and get the elements of harmony. We must Stop Discord!"

Fuck.

"Alright, How're you going to do that when you don't even know where he is?" I asked.

"That's...a very good question." Twilight Replied "Maybe the next time he reveals himself to us we can Track him down,"

"Seems legit,"

"Please, Take caution my little ponies. Discord may be Stronger than last time," The princess warned.

There was a heavy silence in the air.

"Don't Worry, This Discord guy just fucked with the wrong american. I'll help you guys take down this douchebag," 


	4. The American Dream

Princess Celestia left us after that little chat. Evidently, This place isn't ruled by a cruel dictator, just a nice, peaceful princess. Still don't mean I trust her.

"Alright, I get that this discord guy is a problem, what I don't get is why she's making you guys do it for her," I Said confused.

"We are the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, We have to beat discord, It's our job," Twilight said with a hint of pride.

"That's nice, But How are a bunch of elements gonna bring this metaphysical god down?" I asked again. Dear God this place is wierd. "I mean, you can't just beat someone with just elements, science don't work that way,"

Then, Taking a Deep breath, Twilight explained in almost vivid detail how these "Elements of Harmony" were not like the elements you would find on a periodic table and could basically rule the world with peace. If Only we had this shit back in america, We'd never have gotten invaded.

"So you see, The Elements, combined with ponies who share traits of the element, can be used to bring about harmony and peace in time of Chaos." Twilight finished with a smile.

"Wow, With that kind of power, My country never would have gotten Nuked. 'Course then again, We'd somehow manage to find a way to fuck it up and use it to destroy ourselves," I mused. Twilight gave me a concerned look.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm Just sayin', We Usually find ways to Fuck everyone else over, That's why we got invaded in the first place." I replied Non-chalantly. Twilight still looked at me in concern.

"What Happened? You say where you came from got 'Nuked to shit' But I don't understand what that means. did something bad happen to your country?" Twilight pressed.

I Sighed. I really don't want to bring up the concepts of Death and war here. They were part of the past now.

"It Really doesn't matter anymore, I'm here to help you ponies, and that's what I'm gonna do."

"But I really need to know, What Happened?"

I paused. I was really starting to regret mentioning the U.S. to this pony. Like Ma always said, My mouth'll get me in trouble one of these days.

"Fine, I'll tell you." I began. "It all started on the summer of 2015,"

"But It's 2012 right now," Rainbow Dash interupted. I guess I must have forgotten about her.

"Well, Obviously I come from an entirely different World, Time doesn't matter much now does it?" I quipped at her, somehow managing to shut her up.

"Anyway's It all happened on 2015, when our economy went from bad to FUBAR,"

"What's a FUBAR? Is it a Bar you put Fu's On?" Pinkie Pie Asked out of absolutely nowhere. "OOOO, I Want a Fubar, I need to put all my Fu's on it!"

What The Fuck?

"Pinkie, That's not... A FUBAR isn't...that...That's Not what FUBAR Means!" I Could barely contain my own confusion. "FUBAR stands for Fucked Up Beyond Any Repair,"

"Oh, Carry on then," She said as if nothing happened.

"May I, Anybody else feel like asking questions?" I looked around at them. "Good, No more interruptions please and thank you."

I sighed Again.

"Alright, My country's economy basically Hit rock bottom, which means that all our money, everything we worked for, is now useless." I explained, somewhat angry.

"In a bullshit attempt to bring it back up, we took a large amount of oil and other natural resources and brought it back to the states. Then we shut our borders to everybody else, like giving a giant middle finger to the rest of the world." My voice was getting louder now.

"'Course that just made the situation worse. We didn't really fix anything, and our government collapsed afterward. It was pure fucking anarchy on the streets. No one, not even the goddamn cops, did shit about it." I Was close to yelling now. The ponies now had looks of concern plastered on thier faces.

"Our military collapsed too, the strongest force of power on the fucking planet just withered away and died. I was on leave from a recent deployment when this shit happened, But all those troops still in the middle east were left there, Stranded because of the stupidity of thier own country." I was yelling now, making Fluttershy shrink away and cover her face.

"Our nation was dead. Everything we ever stood for was dead. Hell, Even our people might as well have been dead, Which probably made it really fucking easy for China to invade our asses." I stopped yelling now, all my anger slowly dissipating.

"We somehow managed to push them out, push them back to China. We thought we could rebuild, have things the way they were, But China had other plans. They used the most effective and destructive tool humanity has ever made, The Nuclear warhead, and blew the entire country straight to hell." I Said, still fairly angry. God I really need to kill something right about now, preferably something that won't make me feel guilty.

"That's...just Horrible," Fluttershy managed to squeek out. "How could such terrible things happen to this place"

"I guess it's just human nature. We've always prided ourselves with conquest and war. I guess that's why America no longer exists, Because we were too prideful of ourselves and what we've done," I said almost somberly. Damn, I was having such a good day too, mostly from the fact I woke up in a place infested with colorful ponies.

The ponies looked at me strangely. Why won't they stop staring at me? Are they judging me?

"Something up?" I asked as though nothing happened. I was a little unnerved at thier constant staring. "Could you guys stop staring at me please? I'm starting to get paranoid."

"How can your species be so heartless? How can they just...kill each other without regret?" Twilight asked in shock. Did I just traumatize these ponies? I mean I gave them the PG rated story (Albeit with a lot of swearing) It shouldn't have effected them that much.

"Uh, That's just the way we are. We couldn't change it, I guess you could say Humans are naturally evil."

I never should have said that, because as soon as those words left my lips, all those ponies took defensive stances. Rainbow Dash flew up to my face in anger.

"You better not hurt anypony here or I'm going to whup your butt so bad, not even your mother'll recognize you!"

"Whoa, Dude, Chill the fuck out," I said defensively, even though I knew it wouldn't help. "I'm not planning on killing you guys anytime soon,"

"But you said that humans are evil, And you're a human. That means you're evil!" I heard Pinkie yell at me. Wow, That was probably the most hurtful thing anybody has ever said to me.

"Now that was fucking stereotypical," I said, feeling hurt. "I know I'm not Evil, Maybe everyone else was, But I know for a fact I'm not evil."

"How do we know you're not lying," Applejack said sternly.

I honestly had no clue what to say next, not even a witty comment. Damn, That kinda hurt hearing that.

"I'm sorry, but you have to leave. We'll Find a way to send you home after we deal with Discord," Twilight said, not letting her defensive stance down.

I just stood there, at a complete loss for words. I never should have told them about humanity, about how we were born to kill each other. They just judged me based on what I told them about humanity. It was almost Ironic, How I told them about how evil humanity is and now I'm being shunned because of it.

"But I'm Not E-"

"JUST GET OUT!" They yelled in unison.

My blood was almost boiling, I hated people who judged others. I waned nothing more than to yell at them, But I knew that wouldn't accomplish anything. So I just turned around and walked out the door

Maybe then I could calm down.


	5. Literally Making an Impact

I'm so glad I got outta that library, because I really needed to calm my ass down. I was walking around the town, Enjoying the bright scenery and all that crap. All the ponies were giving me awkward glances, but other than that they seemed to be having a normal day. At least, normal for ponies I think. I awkwardly waved at any pony looking at me, Some waved back, others just looked at me with fear in thier eyes. I was actually almost regaining my good day.

"Watch where you're going you retard!" I heard somebody yell out. They better not be talking to me, or else I'll put a shoe up thier ass.

"I'm sorry! it won't happen ever again!" Somebody else yelled back. I looked towards where I heard all that racket, And saw a brown pony pegasus yelling at a gray colored pegasus.

"You need to pay attention to where you're going, you Idiot!" the brown one said. The little grey one just looked down in shame. "Can't you see you suck at what you're doing? Are you too stupid to see that nopony likes you!" Now the Gray pegasus was close to crying, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

It was heartwrenching.

"Hey man, What the fuck? Why're you yellin' at her?" I Yelled at the brown one. He jumped and looked at me in surprise.

"Who Said That!" he asked in surprise. I just rolled my eyes.

"I did, Why're you yelling at her?"

"You can talk?"

I facepalmed,

"No, I'm fucking with your mind because I'm psychic."

The brown pony just looked at me strangely, then rolled his eyes.

"This ain't any of your business, go away you freak. I'm talking to the retard over here." he said.

Now this pony was starting to get on my nerves. I mean, I may be sort of a dick, but this guy was just an asshole. Even I wouldn't make fun of the mentally impaired.

"Wow dude, You're a fucking asshole," I said to him.

"I don't know what that means, but I'm gonna beat you up if you don't get out of here!" Now he was getting belligerent, getting into a fighting stance and flaring his wings. I really wasn't in the mood for this shit.

"Dude, Chill the Fuck out! I'm telling you to stop your bullshit right now, or else I'm gonnna shove a foot up your ass and out your throat." I yelled at him. "You're being a dick, And nobody likes a dick. So you better just fucking stop."

The pegasus just looked at me in confusion, probably not knowing a thing I said. He just Flared his wings And took off towards me.

"Come at me Bro!" I yelled.

He flew right into me, Knocking me on my ass. Even though th impact itself didn't hurt much, The fall kind of did.

"Why Don't you go back to where you're from, Freak!" He jeered at me. I guess now I can say that he earned this next ass kicking. I stood up, looked that fucker right in the eye, And punched him square in the face. The pony was knocked out instantly.

"Haha, Take that, BITCH!" I yelled at him. I was feeling almost happy now that I released some of my anger. I Crashed out of my little victory celebration when I noticed the Grey pegasus from earler staring at me in Shock. Oh shit, I probably just punched out her boyfriend or something, even though he did seem like a dick.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry!" I frantically apologized. Great, I was trying to prove I wasn't evil, then I had to fuck up and knock some poor schmuck out. Now I really felt like shit. The grey pony was still looking at me in shock, and I was half expecting her to either run away or get up in my face.

"Thank you," she said in hesitation.

Wait...Thank you?

"Why are you thanking me?" I asked her in confusion. She just lookked at me and put on a weak smile.

"He's been making fun of me for weeks now. not a day goes by where he won't yell at me because of, well, this." she pointed to her eyes, which still looked lopsided and screwed up. So I didn't beat her significant other, I just beat a guy that was the pony equivilent of a local bully.

"Oh, Shit, I thought he was like a friend or something and you two just had a little disagreement." I said in relief. The surrounding ponies looked at me in admiration.

"Thank you for stopping him, He really was a bad pony," one pony said.

"I blame his parents," another pony said. Damn, These ponies have been dealing with him this entire time, And they haven't done absolutely shit about it?

"Wow you guys are pussies, in my country he would've either gotten his ass kicked by the gangs or by me and my sister." I Casually said. All of them just looked at me in shock.

"You're used to this?" a pony in the crowd said.

"Well, yeah, My country basically ran on violence before the invasion." I was staring to feel a little creeped out by these ponies, They seem to not know what an ass kicking is. Maybe if I just-

"What Happened here?" I heard Twilight Yell.

Awww Shit, Here we go again. . It's been what, an hour that I've been here and already I'm going to probably get lynched? Seems like whatever god that exists must really want to put me in a world of pain.

"Why is this pony unconcious?" I heard her ask. all the ponies indicated towards me.

"Son of a Bi-"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!" She yelled at me. Oh joy, now to get a lecture on why what I did was most likely wrong.

"Well the guy was being a dick, So I knocked him out. Bastard deserved it though, He was making that pony over there feel stupid." I said as I pointed to the cross-eyed pony. She looked down and blushed. The crowd around me broke into murmurs, probably regarding me and my actions.

"Is that true, Derpy? Did he really defend you from that stallion?" Twilight asked in a venomous voice. The hostility was practically coming off of her in waves.

Derpy (I think that's her name) just nodded, obviously a little shaken up. Twilight Kind of let her hostility down.

Kind of.

"While your intentions might have been noble, you didn't need to hit him. Telling him that his actions are wrong would have sufficed." she said in a lecturing tone. I just chuckled.

"Oh yeah, I tried that." I said Sarcastically "He tackled me to the gound, So I decked him right in the face. I was honestly expecting more of a challenge."

Twilight stood in thought for a moment. I think she's trying to process what I just told her.

"So you acted in self-defense? I suppose you hitting him is justified, But you didn't need to confront him about the business he and Derpy were having. It wasn't any of your business."

"Oh Really? Seeing somebody be a complete ass to someone is none of my business? This Pony was totally ragging on her for her Eyesight, And you want me to stay out of it? I mean sure, I could've just walked away, But then who would've stepped up to him?"

"Well..." Twillight looked unsure of herself. "Yes, I thought you would've just let him because I thought you wouldn't care." She was looking pretty sheepish, Like a kid who just tried arguing with his parents. "Why Did you involve yourself in the first place?"

"Because it's the right thing to do. I told you, I'm not evil. I'm not like a regular Human." I said in what I would call my Epic voice. I was going to go into a long rant about the philosophies of man, But decided against it. After all It was actually pretty boring and monotonous.

And nobody likes long ass lectures anyway. 


	6. Making new friends is easy

Twilight walked back to the library after that little incident. All the others decided to disperse and go back to doing...whatever it is ponies do. Well, all except Derpy and a couple of other ponies.

"Ha, I told you they existed, pay up!" I saw a minty green unicorn shout at this beige pony. The other one sighed and pulled five coins out from nowhere.

"Uhh...How did you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?" She asked back

"Pull shit out of nowhere, You ain't got pockets, and coins just don't magically appear. How the fuck did you do that?" She just shrugged a pony shrug.

"I dunno, all ponies can do that." She replied awkwardly. I just chalked it up to her hiding it in a place that isn't so public.

"Eh, Whatever. I'm gonna go do something stupid." I turned around and started to leave, but was crashed into by some flying thing. I fell on my back. it hurt like hell. Some pony crashed into me from the sky.

"Ugh, What is it with ponies and crashing into shit." I muttered. I looked at the blasphemous creature that decided to crash into me from the sky. It was a pegasus from what I could gather (Me and my instincts, We could solve mysteries!). He Had a red coat and Wierd colored hair. It looked bluish, purplish, And some other color I couldn't recognize. His Hair was covering his right eye.

"Sorry about that, wasn't paying attention to where I was going." He said apologetically. I stood back up and cracked my neck.

"Obviously, I'm not exactly hard to miss," I glared at him, He put on a sheepish grin.

"Uhh...yeah, My Names Quick-Bolt. What's your's?" I still glared at him. Time to make a pony squirm.

"My name is Christopher James Michaelson," I Said sternly. "You crashed into me, Prepare to Die."

"Whoa, Calm down, it was an accident." He said defensively. I still glared at him. I reared my fist up ready to strike the second time that day. He didn't seem phased by it at all.

"Lay one hoof on him and you will regret ever stepping foot in this town." I heard a voice behind me say. I turned around And saw a gray pony with black hair coming up. He had scars all over his body, which actually made him look kinda badass.

"You know I could've handled him, Red." I heard the other pony say. I groaned.

"Jeesh, take it easy, I was just Messin' with you." I said to the Quick-Bolt one. "Might help to watch where you're going." The other one stared at me vacantly.

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"You weren't," The gray pony stifled a snicker.

"QB you're such a little foal, You know that." he said with a coy smile. "This thing totally had you in check," I gave a mock bow.

"Thank you, My companion. I've got a magic touch when it comes to shit like this." I said. "I've been practicing for years." The red one gave me an annoyed look.

"What are you anyway?" The gray one asked me. I sighed in exasperation.

"I've been hearing that question all day." I said bitterly. "I'm Human, I come from earth. More specifically, America."

"Whatever," he replied. I glared at him. I've been doing that a lot recently. His buddy Quick-Bolt or whatever walked up next to him and gave him a little jab on the arm.

"Don't be some mean. He's new in town, just like us." he said. The gray one looked down.

"At least I'm not here after some stupid mare," I heard him mutter.

"Hey, I like her a lot, That's why I followed her here,"

"You mean stalk?" I said to him.

"Ye-NO!"

"Quick-Bolt you're just stalking her. If you like her, ask her out." The Gray one said. I felt awkward, like that kind of awkward you get when you hear two people on the street talking about love and shit. Wait, That is what's happening.

"Ok, I'll do it later," Quick-Bolt said.

"I bet you said that twenty times already," I said. "Your buddy's right, you like a girl, ask her out."

"See, even the human thinks so." the gray one said.

"Meh, You're right. It's just...what if she says no?" He asked. The other one gave him a little friendly shove.

"She won't say no. I mean look at you, you got looks, you got charm. She'd be a fool to say no." he said.

"And if she says no, Just do what I do. Not give any fucks." I said.

"Uh...Ok..." he said awkwardly. Well, Now that that was taken care of, I decided to ask a question.

"You guys mind if I hang with you? I'm new here and I ain't got anything to do." The gray pony shrugged.

"Sure," he said. "We're just heading to sugarcube corner, Heard it's got the best pastries in town." He nodded to his friend. "QB's lookin' for his future marefriend. He guessed she might be there." I gave a half-assed shrug.

"Meh, sounds good, I ain't got shit to do here anyways." I said in a bored tone. The ponies turned and left, and I jogged up next to them.

"So, Can I get a proper introduction? 'cuz I ain't calling you gray guy all day." I asked bored. The gray one smiled.

"I'm Red Dawn." he said. I stopped in my tracks and smiled brightly.

"Oh my god, You're named after my favorite movie ever!" I exclaimmed. "You're my new favorite pony!" He gave me a confused look.

"Umm, Okay..." he started. "I didn't know there was a movie named after me, What's it about?" I started walking again.

"It's about America getting invaded. It's like a vision of the future." I said. he gave me a quizzical look. "What?"

"What's America?" Quick-Bolt said. Oh jeez, Here we go again.

"America's the country I come from," I said. They gave me a collective shrug.

"What's it like?" Red said. I beamed proudly.

"America, Home of the brave. Land of the free. Best country in the motherfucking world!" I said pointing a finger to the sky dramatically. The ponies looked at me weird.

"That's nice," Red said. I frowned at him.

"Hey," I started. "Don't talk shit about America, or else I'll kick your ass out your face." He glared at me, Then stopped walking.

"We're here," He said, pointing to a building behind me. I looked at it in wonder.

I'll be honest, I've seen some wierd shit in my life, but this building probably beat everything out of pure absurdity. It was a giant fucking gingerbread house, with all sorts of candy shit decoration on it. I stared at the thing in awe.

"We gotta eat this?" I asked amazed. Red and Quick-Bolt laughed. Red opened the door and beckoned us to enter. The inside was brightly colored, making my eyes kinda hurt.

"How you guys doing?" I heard that Pinkie Pie say when we entered. She gave us a bright smile. "Anything I can getcha?"

"Yeah, I'll take a cinnamon roll. What about you QB?" Red replied. Quick-Bolt stood for a moment in thought.

"Eh...I'll have a cupcake." he said. Pinkie gave me an expectant look.

"What?" I asked.

"Do you want anything?" she replied with a question. I shrugged.

"I'll have what he's having." I said pointing to Red. Pinkie bolted into the kitchen almost as soon as I said those words. Jeez, I hope she still ain't pissed at me for earlier. The two other guys sat down at a nearby table. At least I think they were sitting. Jesus, This world is confusing. I took a seat too, sittting like a normal fucking human being. The two ponies looked at me funny.

"Why do you sit like that?" Quick-Bolt asked me. I stared at him like he was stupid.

"It's comfortable," I said. "Besides, It's anotomically impossible for me to sit like a horse." They just stared at me in apathy. Oh good, Looks like I found a couple of ponies who don't give a fuck. Thank god, I would have killed if it turned out this world was full of rainbows and sunshine. Pinkie Pie trotted out of the kitchen carrying three plates on her back. She somehow managed to get them onto the table without dropping them.

"Here you go guys!" She exclaimed happily. I looked at the cinnamon bun in wonder. It looked ungodly delicious. I picked it up nervvously an bit into it. It was fucking delicious.

"Holy Shit," I said after I swallowed my first bite. "It's like the Jesus of baking came in my mouth." The ponies looked at me funny.

"What's that mean?" Pimkie asked. I paused, realizing what I just said. I blushed a little.

"It's fucking delicious." I said quickly. I devoured the thing immediately after. Red and QB stood from the table after eating thier treats and walked to the door, with me following shortly after.

"So, What we gonna do now?" I asked. The ponies shrugged. "Why don't we go hang with some other ponies?" They shrugged again.

Fucking ponies and thier wierdness, Life was so much simpler in America.


	7. An average Saturday for me

So me and those other two ponies were walking around the town. I had no clue where we were going, but I didn't give a fuck. Red gave me a questioning look.

"So...Any particular thing you wanna do?" He said. I was about to reply, but a sudden feeling washed over me.

"Yeah, where's the bathroom? I have to piss." I said. Red pointed back to sugarcube corner.

"In there maybe." He said. I nodded and jogged back. I slammed the door open (Epicly, I might add.) and yelled inside.

"Yo pinkie, You got a bathroom in here?"

No answer.

"Can I use your restroom, Please?"

Again no answer.

Fuck. Really? She was here like five minutes ago.

"Eh, Oh well. Guess I'll go piss in the forest." I said to myself. I closed the door behind me as I turned to the street. I turned to where the forest was and headed in that direction. As I walked I glanced to the sky. It was getting fairly late.

Once I got to the forest, I chose a nice spot. Close enough to see the town, but far away enough so ponies wouldn't see me. I unzipped my pants and...

Well you know the rest.

I just finished when I heard a smooth chuckle behind me.

"Feeling better there?" I heard that Discord guy say. I yelped as I pulled my zipper up a little fast.

"Ow, What the fuck man?" I yelled. I turned around and fired another insult. "You don't just sneak up on a guy when he's in the middle of a forest taking a piss." Dicord Chuckled.

"Oh, you're funny. You know that?" he started. "I wanted to speak with you now that we are alone."

"Yeah, Why?" I said as I turned to face him. God this guy looked like a genetic abomination of nature.

"Remember how I told you I wanted to play a game with you?" he said. I gave him a cocky smirk.

"What, You wanna play some monopoly or something? Becuase I'll whup your ass on it." I said. Discord merely chuckled again.

"No the game we're playing is much more fun. You see, I pulled you out of death to do my bidding." he started. "You are going to be my agent of chaos."

"Why?" I asked. "You're not gonna make me kill some ponies, or burn down an orphange, Right? I mean, Yeah I shot a few people, but I was a soldier. I ain't hurting any of the innocent, that isn't how I roll." I said. He gave me a stern look.

"Oh no, I don't want them to die. I just want to spread a little...anarchy." he said. I rolled my eyes at his unintentional reference.

"By bringing an American who's a firm capitalistic pig? Did you even think your plan through?" I asked. He looked at me.

"No, not in a sense of government or reform. I just want to see the glorious chaos."

"So you're gonna watch me like a sitcom? Creepy."

Discord rolled his eyes.

"Honestly can't you be a little cooperative?" he began. "Honestly, I expected you to thank me for pulling you out of that fiery apocalypse. I could have just let you rot in that cesspool of a country." Oh hell no, He did not just insult America!

"Let me tell you something 'bout 'Merica." I said in a southern drawl. "We 'Mericans don't take too kindly to folks talking down on us." He looked at me like I was crazy. I switched my accent to a brooklyn accent. "Yous gonna get yo ass kicked, bro."

Discord laughed.

"Well, You'e going to do this job better than I expected. I stood confused.

"What do you mean?" I said without altering my voice. He grinned wickedly.

"You see, I am a god of Chaos and disharmony. You my friend, Are the most chaotic being here in Equestria. Just do what you always do. Be a, how you say, asshole." he stated. "Oh, And if you think about telling the ponies about our little game. I'm sending you back to that blasted wasteland quicker then you can say 'America'"

"And what's so bad about...Oh yeah, right. The nukes and shit." I surrendered. He chuckled.

"I'll be watching you." He said before he snapped his fingers and disappeared.

Well...shit. Didn't ever think I was going to be some god's little plaything. I walked out of the forest deep in thought. I mean really, I got a job that required me to be an asshole. Part of me liked the idea, getting a free reign to be a giant dick. The other part of me was really considering not listening to that strange guy. I was stuck in a pretty little rut now. I drove the thoughts back inside my brain, should think of them later. I stopped walking when I realized I was standing back in ponyville. Only now it was dead silent.

"Yo! Anyone here?" I asked. Silence answered my yells. "Where'd you guys go!"

Again no answer.

"What the fuck? There were ponies out the yin-yang earlier." I said to myself. Then I realized something.

"Dammit Chris, pay attention. It's pretty late, so they're all in thier houses." I said, facepalming. I turned and walked towards the only building that would probably give me shelter for the evening.

I arrived at the giant tree library...thingy after a short walk. I was about to knock, but decided 'Fuck it, it's a public library' and opened the door. It was unnaturally dark and quiet, and for a minute I thought I heard a rat skitter across the ground.

"Yo, Twilight Twinkie or whatever, You mind if I crash here tonight?"

Silence, then I thought I heard a-

"SURPRISE!" I heard a bunch of ponies say as the lights boomed to life.

"HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF RAPTOR JESUS!" I yelled as I stumbled and fell backwards on my ass. Holy shit they scared the fuck out of me. I looked at the ponies in shock. It's like the whole fucking town got packed in here, And still there was enough room for more. "What the fuck man!" I yelled again. "Don't scare me like that, I Almost shit my pants!" the pink Pinkie Pie pony bounced (skipped? hopped?) up to me and smiled.

"This is your 'Welcome to Ponyville and sorry for being meanie pants' party!" she said pointing to a banner. The words 'WELCOME TO PONYVILLE, KRISS" bored into my eyes. I laughed at the terrible pronunciation of my name. I stood back up and gave the Pinkie a smile.

"Thanks, I like parties." I said. I looked around the room. There was all the ponies I met earlier.

"Let's get this Party started!" She yelled. For some reason music started to play, making the ponies around me start music was pretty trashy, sounded like a computer about to die. God it hurt my ears. I looked to the DJ playing that abominable sound.

"YO, DJ! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!" I yelled over the crowd of ponies to the electric colored pony with sweet shades. She shot me a grin.

"IT'S CALLED DUBSTEP! YOU LIKE IT?" She yelled back. I Shook my head feverishly.

"FUCK NO!" I yelled. I turned my attention back to the party. God, they better have better music, Or I'm going to show them why I was banned from eight different karaoke bars. I sat down at a table set up for food and stuff, grabbed a bottle labeled 'Hard Cider' and pounded it back.

"Ugh, This shit is fucking weak!" I spat out the 'alcoholic' beverage. It tasted fine, like good applejuice, it just didn't have much alcohol, Like extremely watered down beer, only not so shitty tasting. A pony beside me gave me a challenging look.

"I bet you couldn't hold your liqour, especially around me." She said. She had a Light violet coat and a darker colored mane, She had a picture of berries on her ass.

"You challenging me to a drinking contest with this weak shit?" I said. She nodded.

"This is the strongest cider in Equestria, You wouldn't be able to handle it." She said.

Now normally when someone challenges me to a drinking game, especially with something so weak, I usally up the ante with a better drink, and they would probably pussy out. Namely some Good 'ol Jack Daniels, but they probably don't have that here. So I decided 'Hey, fuck it, It'll be fun'.

"You're on." I said. She gave me a smirk, grabbed a bottle, and chugged it down. She belched loudly.

"Your turn!" She said. I grabbed the bottle I had earlier, raised it high in a toast, and drank that thing immediately.

The game went on like that for about ten minutes. Five bottles stood empty where the pony was sitting, and she was already looking fairly shitfaced. I was sort of buzzed. Everyone else was dancing around and having a good time. There were a few ponies watching the game in awe.

"How are you not drunk? You drank over five bottles of Equestrias strongest alcohol!" one pony said in disbelief. "You're even Beating Berry Punch to her own game!" I shrugged

"I've had stronger." I said as I pounded another back. Berry Punch Looked at me angrily

"Nopony beats me at my own game!" She said with very slurred speech. I assumed she was fairly buzzed before the challenge. She grabbed another bottle. "I'll win this even if I pass out!" She drank the thing all in one go.

She promptly passed out.

I laughed loudly. Damn she was a lightwieght. Probably would've passed out on two shots of Russia's finest Vodka. To be honest, I thought I was a Lightweight back in America, I only drank with my buddies or my sister. I remember getting so hammered that I once kissed a dude, who looked like he was a chick. Cheyenne never let me live that down.

"I guess I win then, huh?" I said. the ponies shook their heads and left, leaving me alone.

For a party that was supposed to be about me, ponies were avoiding me like the plague. I said hi to a passing pony, who promptly glared at me a kept walking.

"Jeez, what a bitch." I said to nobody. I felt a tapping on my shoulder behind me. I turned and faced who dared touch me. It was Red.

"Hey, what's up?" he said. I Shrugged.

"Not much, just winning a drinking contest. How 'bout you?" I replied. He sighed and sat down.

"Nothing really, I'm not one for parties." he said. I nodded.

"Hey, Where's your buddy Quick-Bullet?" I asked. He looked at me confused.

"Quick-Bolt? He's over there." He pointed to the mass of pony bodies writhing on the ground. I picked out the shape of the familiar red coat. He was dancing(very suggestively) with the Twilight unicorn. I grinned.

"Looks like he's gonna be getting some tonight!" I said. Red Looked at me funny.

"Getting what?" he asked. I gave him a leering look.

"You know, The good ol' fashioned poontang." He kept staring. "Sex?" He rolled his eyes.

"I highly doubt that, Twilight doesn't look the kind to pick random stallions." He started. "Besides, Maybe QB'll finally ask her out." I raised my eyebrow.

"He's into her?" I asked. Red nodded.

"Yeah, we met her in Canterlot. QB couldn't keep his eyes off her." He started. "She not bad looking, though I still don't like her."

"I know that feel bro." I said. "So, What about you? You into anybody here?" He shook his head.

"Nah, I haven't met anypony who-" He was interrupted by a hoof tap on his shoulder. Me and him looked back at a white pegasus with A red mane giving him a suggestive leer.

"Wanna Dance?" She asked. Red's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Sure..." He said. The pony grabbed him and ran took him to the dance floor. Now I was alone again.

Soon though I was approached by Derpy, Who looked at me with a wierd look in her eye.

"'Sup," I started. "Didn't I meet you earlier." she smiled.

"Yea, You hit Shadowclock and knocked him out." she said. I nodded.

"Yeah, he was a bitch." I said. she sat down next to me and sighed. I looked at her, seeing she looked pretty depressed.

"Hey, What's wrong?" I asked. She sucked in a breath.

"I never got to thank you for standing up for me." She said.

"Hey, Don't worry about it. It was nothing." I replied. She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"No, It was something. He's been bullying me since I as a filly. Everyday he would make fun of me for my eyes. I thought I wouldn't see him anymore when I left Cloudsdale, But when I ran into him in town today..." She was crying now. I looked at her in sympathy. I did one thing that makes most people and anything else feel a whole lot better. Something I don't ever do.

I hugged her.

"Hey, It's alright." I said in a soothing tone. "He tries anything else and I'll put my foot through his ass." She seemed to cheer up a little at that. i broke the hug, And grabbed a bottle of Hard Cider. I handed her a botttle

"Here," I said. "this'll make you feel better."

After a few bottles (Like eighteen, seriously why so much cider?) I was thoroughly shitfaced. Derpy was in a similar bind, Stumbling and slurring speech like a drunken pony.

"Hey," I said. "You look fucking soft. Can I use you as a pillow." She gave me a leering look. She took one tumble and hit the floor, Out cold. I shrugged my shoulders, Laid down and put my head on her back.

I was out like a light in seconds.


	8. Hangovers, Meetings, And Awkward Moments

I had absolutely no idea where the fuck I was. I was standing in the middle of this boat bungalow thingy in the middle of some godforsaken ocean. There were a lot of people around, most I don't know. I managed to pick out a familiar face in the crowd. I walked up to her and punched her on the arm playfully.

"'Sup sis?" I said to her. She turned and gave me a confident smirk.

"Not much, Chris, Just sitting here enjoying the view." She said. I chuckled.

"It's been a while, Cheyenne." I said. "What've you been up to? Haven't seen you since the nukes hit." She looked at me like I was stupid.

"What? No nukes hit anywhere." She said. I was about to retort, but I saw a neon orange fin pop-up out of the ocean behind my sister.

"What the fuck?" I said to nobody. For some reason my sister slapped me.

"Watch your language Chris!" She yelled. I looked at her confused, She was usually a lot more foul-mouthed than me. I was going to tell her to shut up, But that orange fin from earlier rised highed and revealed an orange shark beneath. It was wearing a monocle and a spazzy suit. The shark landed on the platform we were standing on.

"Oh, we're going to have a lot of fun now." The shark said in a smooth english accent. Just then the whole boat platform thing started moving at an incredibly fast speed. I was freaking out so much. Everybody else looked at the shark in indifference.

Suddenly everything went into slow-motion as the speed we were going pierced some sort of dimensional barrier. This huge, strange vortex thing engulfed everything. I reached out my arm and screamed when it stretched to impossible lengths. Everything went black after that.

I came to on top of this random ass skyscraper. Everybody from the bungalow thing was there in thier in fancy suits.I saw my sister sipping on a beer near a display case that held various amounts of Cake.

"What in the fuck?" I said again. Again Cheyenne slapped me.

"Language." She said. "Now wake up!"

"What?"

"Wake up!"

Suddenly My eyes blasted open, and I saw eight different pony faces staring down at me. I looked at everyone in slight annoyance, before my head was assaulted by a massive headache.

"Ugh, What's everyone staring at?" I asked. I grasped my head in pain. "Gah, It feels like I took a to the face." I said. I lifted my head off of Derpy's stomach, groaning as I stood up.

"You okay there?" I heard Red say. Damn I hated hangovers.

"Yeah I'll be fine. I've been worse." I said. I popped my back muscles gently. All the ponies looked at me strangely. "What?"

"You had enough cider to kill Celestia and Luna! How are you still alive?" Quick-Bolt asked. I shrugged.

"That shit was weak to me." I said. "'Course that never stopped me from getting totally hammered." I looked to the ponies. "That party was fucking awesome, We should totally do that shit again." A few ponies faces paled considerably. Pinkie Pie smiled brightly.

"Ooo, Definately have another party!" she said. I looked to the floor, at the still sleeping figure of Derpy.

"She's gonna feel pretty shitty when she wakes up." I stated. Almost as if on cue, Derpy's eyes fluttered open.

"Wha-Where am I?" She asked.

"On the floor of a library." I said matter-of-factly. She looked up at me.

"What happened?" she asked again.

"You passed out when You and him drank to much cider." Red said. Derpy's eyes widened.

"How much did I drink?" She asked.

"Compared to me, very little. 'Bout four bottles." I said. "Man, I haven't had so much fun since that time me and my sister totally had that bar fight. Oh god, everyone there was shitting bricks when Cheyenne decked that biker chick right in the face. We totally got banned because of that shit, But it was worth it." I said. Everyone gave me a wierd look.

"What are you talking about?" Quick-bolt said. I shrugged.

"Eh, I don't know. Just thought I'd compare it to that incident." I said shrugging. "It's not like I'm a virgin to parties. The way we do things in America is way better. Or worse depending on your stance." They shrugged and started drifting off. I walked over to Derpy, Who was trying to stand up. I held out my hand, grabbed her hoof, And hauled her to her feet.

"Thanks," she said. "Wow, I feel so dreary. What's wrong with me?" She asked worriedly. I smirked.

"You're hungover. Just like me. Don't worry it'll pass soon." I assured her. She shook her head.

"Ok." she looked down. "Uh...What are you doing today?" I paused.

"I don't know, I just bullshit my way through most days. Kept me alive so far." I said. I smirked. "Of course If you want to plan something like a date, I'm open all day." She shook her head and blushed.

"No, no. I was just curious. I mean, I'm not doing anything since it's my day off and I thought maybe I could spend some time with my new friend." she hastily explained. I gave her a leering look.

"Sure...That's the reason." I started, She looke down. "It's cool, I could use some more pointers around the city. since it turns out that Rarity pony didn't give me the full tour of the city. She was all 'Lets go to my friend's house because I think she'd like you.'" Derpy looked at me funny. Well, Funny in a way, I couldn't tell with those eyes.

"Um...Ok?" She managed to say. I cracked my knuckles.

"Lets go on an adventure." I said in my epic voice. She looked at me funny again. I opened the door to the town and walked out beside Derpy.

We walked a good ways for a while. she pointed out places that were, quite frankly, random and stupid. She showed me a store that sold Sofas and quills. Before I could say 'what kind of dumbass sells quills and sofas?' We already moved on to another store.

"This belongs to my friend Bon-Bon, She's Ponyville's premier candymare." Derpy said as she opened the door. I walked inside, interrupting a chorus of voices.

"Sorry, uh...sir, But I'm currently closed. Please come back tomorrow." A pony I vaguely recall seeing earlier said. Ther were a few more ponies there too. One was the DJ at the party last night. Another was a pony who looked as though she belonged amongst high pony society, And another was a minty green Unicorn who eyed me wierdly. And one was some wierd pony that I think looked like a guy off of British television.

"It's Ok, Bon-Bon, He's with me." Derpy piped up behind me.

"Yep, My name's Chris. I'm a human and yes, I'm a guy." I said to her reaching out my hand. She reached out and we shook hands and hooves. The minty green unicorn beamed at all the other ponies.

"Like I said. I knew they existed." She said smugly. All the other ponies groaned. Derpy took a seat at the table everyone was sitting at. I went up and sat down too. The table felt kinda awkward beacuse everyone seemed to be focused on me.

"So, you don't like dubstep?" The DJ pony said to me, breaking the awkward silence. I shook my head.

"Nah, I'm not into the sound of electronic failure." I said. The high class pony gave me a proud smile.

"Obviously you have much higher taste in music. You must fancy the tastes of classical era music." she said, The DJ pony scoffed.

"Oh Great, We got another Octavia here." I shook my head.

"Nope, I don't listen to music that died a long time ago." Now it was the High class pony's turn to frown.

"Well then what do you listen to?" she asked. I smirked.

"I listen to Heavy Metal, Hard rock, Classic Rock, and a lot of Death Metal." I started, Earning a wierd look from the two ponies. "I listen to bands like Iron Maiden, Metallica, Slayer, Amon Amarth, Dark Tranquility, Sabaton, and when I'm feeling particularly relaxed, The Beatles." I said. Everyone looked at me funny.

"Never heard of 'em." The DJ pony said. I rolled my eyes.

"'Course you wouldn't, They're not ponies." I said. The minty green unicorn smiled at me.

"So what's human land like?" She asked. I facepalmed.

"It's not 'Human land', It's America. It's the best country anywhere." I said. "We don't name our cities after ourselves, We're not like ponies." I paused. "Wait, yeah we do. Nevermind." The unicorn looked at me funny.

"Ok, What's 'America' like?" She asked. I smiled like an idiot.

"Depends on which time. Before the whole economy fell, It was a pretty nice place. Then everything changed when the fire nation attacked." I joked. "Nah, Our shit hit rock bottom, And the whole country fucked itself. Then China attacked, And we were like 'Bitch, get the fuck out'. So we kick thier collective ass out of the country and they go all 'You just activated my trap card.' And they launched a shitton of nukes, blowing the entire country Sky high. Now America looks like shit." I said, Kinda bitterly. The unicorn gave me a sorrowful look.

"I'm...sorry?" she said. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, It's cool. I don't nee any of your fucks." I said. I stood up. "Well, I feel like walking around before somebody here decides to say I'm evil. See ya later!" I said as I left the door.

I walked around Ponyville without a reason. I put my hands up in frustration.

"Oh my god, If someone makes me talk about America one more time, I swear I'm gonna strangle'em." I reached the outskirts, spotting something on the road in the distance. It looked vaguely...Human? I stood up and approached the figure. I soon reached him, and kinda gaped at him.

"Uh...Hi?" He said. "You know where I am? I haven't seen a place like this before." I looked at him in amazement. Finally another human in this shithole. He had a cool southern accent.

"Yeah, you're in this shithole called Ponyville," I said. He looked at me funny.

"Ponyville?" He laughed. "I must be dreaming. I mean, What are the chances of me getting here." He skook his head in mirth.

"Yeah, I know that feel." I said. "So who the fuck are you?" He held out his hand and smiled.

"Tristan Glenn," He said. "Nice to meet you." I shook his hand.

"Chris Michaelson." I said. I stepped back and got a full view of him. He had a goatee, brown hair, and an orange shirt. He was tall to, Coming to about 6'4", making me frown. I was barely over 5'10" and on his hip I could make out the unmistakeable shape of a Colt M1911 .45 auto. I frowned deeper, Why'd he get to keep his gun? Why couldn't I have my AK?

"Nice gun. By the way, How old are you?" I asked. I hoped he wasn't young, Otherwise I'd be jealous as fuck.

"Nineteen. What 'bout you? You look about Seventeen." I frowned again at him. Already I didn't like him.

"Actually, I'm twenty-eight." He frowned.

"Sorry, you're just so short I thought-"

"Cut the shit, I don't wanna hear it." I said. He frowned at me.

"Don't need to be a douche bag," he said. I gave him a cocky grin.

"You mad?" He put his hand on his gun.

"I'm getting there." He threatened. I Shrugged.

"How 'bout I introduce you to everyone here. I'm sure they'll be all over you." I said. I turned away, beckoning Tristan to follow. "So Where're you from?" I asked.

"Knoxville. You?"

"San Diego." I replied. "Where were you when the shit hit the fan." He sighed.

"Visiting my ma and pa. They got killed during the invasion. You?" I gave him a sympathetic look.

"I was on leave. I actually wanted to go back to Afghanistan. Didn't want to deal with all the shit." He gave me a sad look.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Wait, You're a soldier?" he said. I gave him a grin.

"Me and my whole family." I said proudly, Then sighed. "My brother's left in Afghanistan, and my sister died when we tried to take back D.C."

"Wow, Sorry 'bout that." He said. I shrugged.

"Nah, It's cool. Oh look, We're here." I said. we stopped in front of the tree Library. "Let me show you why they call this Ponyville." I opened the door. It was strangely empty.

"Uh, why is that." He asked. I smirked.

"Yo, Twilight! Get your sparkly ass over here!" I yelled inside. There was a shuffling as Twilight and Quick-Bolt descended the stairs, a little fustered. I smirked.

"What do you want, we were-" She spotted Tristan.

Now to witness the coolest awkward moment in history.


	9. When good talks go bad

Oh man, This awkward moment was fucking priceless. The lost look of confusion on Tristan's face was hilarious. I had to stop myself from laughing. Twilight and Quick-Bolt looked at him in confusion, Not really reacting as much as I'd hoped.

"Wha-You-You're a unicorn!" Tristan yelled. "You ain't supposed to exist!" I couldn't help it then, I busted out laughing. He glared at me. "You knew 'bout this?" I stopped laughing, giving the southern guy a smirk.

"Well, Yeah, I got here before you." I said. "To be honest, I had no idea that ponies inhabitted this world." I shrugged. "Learn something new everyday." He turned his attention back to the ponies.

"How can this happen? Is it the nukes? Am I hallucinating? Am I in heaven or hell?" he stammered. He pulled out his pistol, aiming at the ponies. I grabbed his arm.

"Whoa dude, Chill out!" He glared at me.

"Chill out? Why the hell should I?" He said. I looked at him sternly.

"Because you hurt a pony, and I'll personally see to it that they feed you your balls through an IV tube." I glared. "They ain't gonna hurt you, So you don't hurt them." He put his gun down and sighed.

"Yeah, I doubt they could hurt me all that much." He said. I shrugged.

"They haven't hurt me, and I punched a pony out yesterday." He looked at me.

"Why?"

"He was being a dick to a girl. So I put my fist in his face. Honestly, with all the shit he talked, I was expecting more of a challenge." I said. Tristan chuckled slightly.

"Wow, It's been a hell of a day so far. I wake up, found myself in a pony land, and meet probably the biggest Asshole ever." He rubbed his temples. "I need to sit down." Twilight pointed a hoof to her den.

"Let's sit there and talk about it." She said. We all walked over and took a seat. Tristan shuffled slightly on the couch, unused to how it felt to his human form. I sat oppisite of him, coffee table seperating it.

"Let's begin." She said in a teacherly tone. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am Princess Celestia's personal protege. what's your name?" Tristan sighed.

"My name's Tristan Glenn. I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee." he said. "I'm nineteen." Twilight nodded her head.

"I'm sorry if you're confused at our world. We don't actually have humans here." Tristan looked at her confused.

"Wait, If ya'll don't have humans, Then how do you about us?" Twilight pointed a hoof to me. Tristan facepalmed when I grinned at him. "Nevermind. Sorry Twilight twinkle or whatever. This is a lot to take in." Twilight nodded.

"It's okay, I wasn't expecting meeting two humans in the course of a weekend." she smiled. "I learn something new everyday." Tristan frowned slightly.

"But there's still one thing I don't get, This Discord guy told me he brought me out of the face of death to do whatever he said." He said. I looked at him.

"He told me the same thing." I said. "How'd you die?" Twilight's eyes widened.

"Wait? Died?" she asked dumbfounded. "But you look alive to me." Tristan sighed.

"I'm probably in heaven then. Or hell." he said. I scoffed.

"Pretty sure heaven and hell ain't got ponies that could talk." I said. "besides, I don't think heaven or hell exist." Tristan frowned at me.

"You're an atheist, aren't you?" I nodded, making him sigh.

"Wait, how'd you two die?" Tristan frowned deeper.

"I don't know 'bout him, But I died just outside Knoxville. I remember seeing it go up in flames, I remeber walking back to the farm, seeing a few Chinese refugees. I remember one of'em had a gun...He shot me." Tristan put his hand over his face. "I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. My Ma and Pa's faces, My childhood memories." He started choking up. "I'm sorry, I don't wanna talk anymore." Twilight looked at him in sympathy. She looked towards me.

"What about you?" She asked. I looked down sadly.

"Nuclear explosion," I said. I raised my head, glaring. "The flash was blinding. The heat was so intense. I felt my entire body evaporating. The pain was so unbearable. It was like walking headfirst into the sun." I said. I forced a smile. "At least I died knowing I won. That's really all I wanted." Twilight looked at us both with tears in her eyes.

"Wow...that's...I don't even know what to say." she said. I shrugged.

"To tell the truth, I'm kinda glad I died." I started. "I've been here a day, and I can truthfully say that it is a shitton better than America." Tristan gave me a look.

"How can you just turn your back on America like that?" He asked. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not turning my back, I still love America to death." I paused. "Bad joke. Anyway, I still love my home, I'm just saying I like it better here." Tristan shook his head.

"Whatever." He said. Quick-Bolt coughed slightly.

"Uh...I hate to interrupt, but you're not making any sense. What's a Nuclear Explosion?" I glanced at him.

"It's what happens when you split an atom." I said. Twilight perked up.

"Oh, splitting an atom creates an enormous amount of energy." she said happily. I glared.

"Yeah, And we managed to put that energy into a weapon to kill with." I said. "It makes a bright flash, Burning anything in a huge radius. It's bright enough to blind people looking from far away. It's the most devastating weapon Humans ever managed to concieve." I narrowed my eyes. "it's capable of flattening cities, killing millions, ruining everything. The radiation kills alomost all life and the blast turns just about anything into a blasted, radioactive shithole." Twilight widened her eyes again.

"So, you're race managed to weaponize a powerful energy source?" She asked. I nodded. "That's just plain evil!" again I nodded.

"There has been worse things in history then that." I said. Twilight looked at me with even wider eyes. Any wider and I could see my reflection in her corneas. Tristan looked at me sadly.

"What's worse than that?" she asked. I put on a straight face.

"You don't wanna know." I stood up, Stretching my arms over my head. "Well, I wanna change the subject before I traumatize somebody. That and I wanna get a little walking going." Tristan stood up and faced me.

"You're takin' me too. I wanna see what this world has to offer." I shrugged.

"Eh, Why the fuck not?" I said. I turned and walked to the door. Twilight stepped in front of us.

"Wait, I still have more questions." She said. I shook my head.

"Sorry, Not gonna answer anymore questions." I said smugly. Twilight frowned and narrowed her eyes at me.

"You know what, You are the meanest, biggest jerk I've ever had the displeasure to meet!" she said. "I mean, you're not even remotely a good human. You are a self-centered, egotistical, sociopathic, narcissist!" she yelled. I glared at her, anger rising.

"You think I give a fuck what you think?" I said. She glared back.

"I don't care what you think. You are so infuriating! Why did you come here? Why couldn't you have died with the rest of your race in that Explosion!" I continnued to glare.

"Because that Discord fucker said I should!" Now I was getting in her face. She kept yelling. I was thoroughly pissed now.

"Yeah, so what?! You work for the god of chaos himself! He picked you because you're evil!"

"Didn't we already have this argement?!"

"You keep saying you're a 'Good person'" She spat the last part out. "You've only proven to be nothing but evil! All you've done since you've gotten here is insult us and hurt us! I hope Celestia sends you back to that ruined wasteland you call home!"

"I Don't give a fuck!" I was close to smacking this pony right now.

"Get out of my library! Don't ever come back You evil Monster."

That was it. I slammed my open palm across her cheek.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU STUPID BITCH!" I bellowed. I turned, Slammed past Tristan, and kicked the door open. I stepped out fuming. "I HOPE YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS FUCKING DIE!" I screamed behind me. Twilight and everybody else just stared at me in shock. I raised my hands up, giving a two handed 'Fuck You' to the ponies and person behind me.

Holy shit, I was so fucking pissed off that the next person to try talking to me was getting a shoe up thier ass.


	10. As if being a man wasn't hard enough

You ever have one of those days where you just wish everyone around you would just crawl in a hole and die? I'm having that day right about now. I was extremely pissed off at that Twilight unicorn. I used to think that this world was cool, but now, I actually wanted to go back to America. At least there I don't have to worry about some self-righteous bitch telling me what to do. I was walking with probably the diritest look on my face, Giving any pony looking my way a 'I'll fuck you with a rusted combat knife' look.

"HEY!" I heard that Tristan guy say behind me after a little bit. I turned to him, still having that same look on my face.

"The fuck you want?" I spat, I was really starting to lose patience with people and ponies. He put up his hands defensively, smiling just a tiny bit.

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened back there, but-" I raised my hand up.

"Save it, Wasn't your fault," I said angrily. He kept smiling.

"I know, I'm just sorry for what happened back there, You know?" he said. "I know what it's like to be judged based on looks and such. People think I'm a redneck, since I'm from Tenessee and such." I gave him a look.

"Yeah, I kinda did the same." I shook my head. "These ponies are such hypocrites, Aren't any different from the assholes in America." He chuckled.

"Yeah, I know. I hate assholes too." he gave me a sad look. "I know you're pissed and all, but what she said kinda hurt me too. Like she wasn't just judging you, But me as well." I nodded.

"I know, she took my words too literally. I told her and her friends that humans are evil. They shunned me after that." I shook my head. "These ponies don't even know what evil is, Only a child's view on the world." Tristan nodded.

"Well, Maybe you should't have told them that." He joked. I gave him a glare. "Ignorance is bliss after all."

"Too much and it poisons the brain, fuckwad." I said. I sighed. "I'm sick of people judging me. It always happened in America, Now it's happening here. Fucking people can't look past the surface, and neither can these ponies."

"I know that feeling, I get shit all the time for being the way I am." He gave me a knowing look. "Looks like you're the same." I nodded.

"Fuck 'em, I am who I am." I said sternly. "I'm gonna go back, and be a lot more eloquent with her." I turned on my heel and started to head back to the library. Tristan was right by my side, getting a wierd look on his face.

"You sure? I bet you pissed 'em off real bad back there." he said. I grinned.

"Think I give a fuck?"

We reached the Library after a few moments. I looked at the place in anger.

"Let's get this over with." I said sternly. I opened the door slowly.

When I fully opened it, I was met with a number of angry looks, one of which was coming from Princess Celestia. Another was coming from a wierd looking Unicorn, who looked strangely similar to Twilight. I glared back in reponse.

"Alright, before we really start fucking each other up, I demand an apology from that Twilight bitch. Motherfucking Racist piece of shit." I spat at them. They all gave me a very pissed off look.

"Why should my sister apologize to somepony like you?!" I heard that new unicorn guy say, glaring at me heatedly. "From what I hear, you're just a monster." I glared in response. Before I could reply, Tristan stepped forward, a very angry look on his face.

"Ya'll are just like the assholes back home. Ya'll call him a monster? Well, you ain't seen me yet." He crossed his arms. "You guys ain't no different than us, judgng us like we're dirt and shit." I nodded my head in respect at the guy.

"I'm not going to take orders from some smug bitch who thinks she can just order me around like I'm a slave, I have my dignity too motherfuckers." I said. I crossed my arms. Somehow, the Princess Celestia queen pony got even angrier and stood up to me.

"What gave you the right to strike my student? What makes you think I won't send you to the darkest side of the moon." She seethed at me. I glared in response.

"Like I said, You ain't seen me yet." I saw tristan say while pointing his gun at Celestia's temple. I grinned darkly at her. She looked at it in shock, Turning her head and glaring at him.

"What is that?" She asked heatedly. "You dare point it at me?" I grinned even wider.

"Let's see here, That right there is a fourty five auto M Nineteen eleven. It'll put your brain on the far end of the room before you could even blink. and judging by the looks of it, It's got a full clip. Choose your next words wisely, or you'll be on the recieving end of a sonic 'fuck you'." I said. I heard that Rainbow scoff a little.

"Pfft, I could do a sonic rainboom. Whatever a 'sonic fuck you' is, It sounds lame." I rolled my eyes.

"Well, can your sonic rainboom kill someone instantly? Didn't think so." I said, seeing Celestia get a little nervous.

"You'd never do it, You'd never kill another being. You don't have the bravery." She said. I backed away from her a little and smirked.

"Oh really?" I glared at her. "You wouldn't even stomach the sight of all that I've seen. I've seen my own fucking sister get shot and die. I've killed men that wanted to just give up and go home. I have the courage to kill you." She looked really scared. "But I won't, because you guys are just naive. You just don't know any better." I said like a scolding parent. She looked at me strangely. "Our worlds are probably extremely different, so we were raised to believe different things. But, we're getting off topic here. She yelled at me, I smacked her, Big fight, I came to get an apology. Maybe I'll give one too." I said with brains that I didn't know I had.

"fine. But-" Celestia started. I rolled my eyes.

"No more but's. I'm tired of your pony Bullshit. You stop being judgemental pricks, and you start loving and tolerating." I said with a smirk. I was met with dumbstruck looks from everybody.

"I've never even thought you'd want love and tolerance from these ponies, Chris." I heard a very smooth voice say. I laughed.

"Well if it ain't the motherfucker who brought me here. How you doin' N-word. You see any good movies recently? Get laid?" I said with a hint of sarcasm. A bright flash engulfed the room, and there in all his chaotic glory was Discord. Everyone in the room went on the defense immediately, and Tristan pointed his gun towards the new arrival. I couln't help but smile. Other than some of the other ponies, this Discord dick was kinda cool, In a psychotic man-child sorta way.

"Ah, Chris. There you are, I was going to tell you that-"

"DISCORD!" He was interrupted by everyone in the room shouting his name. I scrathed an ear.

"What?" I asked. Discord Chuckled.

"Ah, as I was saying, I have something important to tell you." He raised his fingers and snapped them. Everything in the room froze: a firebeam coming from Twilight and Celestia's head, an angry charge from Rainbow Dash, and the cowering form of Fluttershy in a corner. "I'm thinking of mixing things up around here, making a big splash, as they say in America." I chuckled.

"Nobody's said 'Make a big splash' since the fourties." I said.

"No matter, I have an idea for you really. I'm gonna change the way you look! No wait, Scratch that, I'm changing everypony's look in here!" he said strangely. I raised an eyebrow.

"What am I gonna look like?" He smiled deviantly.

"You'll see when you wake up." He snapped his fingers twice, one making everything turn to normal speed, and one that made me see black.

I opened my eyes drearily. Why did I feel so mismatched, like somebody took my body and made a fucked up puzzle with it. I was facing a wall for some reason. I tried standing up, only to fall back to my ass.

"Jesus Christ, What the fuck happened." I said. Except it came out a lot more feminine than it should have. I sat there a second. "The fuck's going on." I said again with that female-ish voice.

I turned my head, looking for the ponies that were supposed to be in the room. I caught sight of them, but something was off about them. I stood up again, thankfully not falling back on my ass. I looked down to my hands, which looked pretty normal.

"Okay, What in the fuck is going on." I turned back to the wall, seeing a mirror hanging pretty crooked on the wall, I walked up to it and looked at my reflection.

I'll be honest, I should've seen this coming.

There, in that mirror, stood the most gourgeous, beautiful, and all around hottest woman I've ever seen. I widened my eyes at the realization of what I was looking at. Instead of saying the normal 'Holy shit, I'm a chick' I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Holy shit, I'm fucking hot!" I said. I looked down, seeing rather average sized breasts. My gray hoodie was now a little big on me, my blue T-shirt was now hugging my chest a little at the top, and my jeans were a whole lot baggier.

I looked around the room at all the passed out pony/people now groggily trying to stand to thier feet.

"Ugh, What happened?" I heard some random dude say. I looked to the side, seeing all the ponies stand up and look at me funny. I looked at them wierd back.

They were all human dudes. except for that Quick-Bolt guy and that other unicorn dude, and Tristan. They were chicks now.

"Uh...Somebody mind telling me why I feel so strange?" I heard that blue haired chick say.

Now then I feel like right around now is a good time for me to freak the fuck out, because for some reason, I had the random thought that that unicorn used-to-be-a-dude was actually fucking hot.

"What's going on?" I heard a regal voice say from the ground. I looked at who I thought was Princess Celestia.

Remember how I keep saying she's kinda scary? Scratch that, with that moustache on her face, She looked like a pony Stalin with rainbow hair, Which was fucking TERRIFYING AND AWESOME!

What in the sweet god of merciless buttfuckery is going on? I've never been more confused. I looked to the only other(Supposed to be) human in this world, and sure enough, He was now a SHE! He still had his clothes on (like moi) But his figure was a lot more...masculine. Kinda like a really tough looking lesbian.

"I must be tripping hard." I said to myself. Everyone was standing, showing just how much gender they changed. I grimaced and brought a palm to my face when I realized everyone was still naked.

"Like what you see?" I heard Discords voice say in the back of my head. "Isn't this grand? You're all the opposite gender now!" I faceplamed harder.

"I think my brain overloaded on dicks." I said loudly. "What the fuck man, I thought you said you were gonna change the way I look, not my fucking sex!" I yelled. Everybody looked at me wierd.

"You look different to me." Discord chuckled. I shook my head vehemently.

"Fuck you man." I said. I looked at everyone in the room. "Okay, this looks like the scene of a really cheesy gangbang." I turned around. "So many fucking things that make my brain hurt. Goddamn."

I must have been high on some sort of drug, nobody gets a gender change at the drop of a hat, no human has fucking pink or rainbow hair naturally, and I sure as hell don't remember being this good looking before.

"Uh...Does somepony mind telling me what's going on?" I heard who I think was Twilight. I grimaced.

"I don't know, I feel all funny." I turned around in time to see a male Rainbow Dash, Who still had his wings, bring his dick eye level to a male Applejack. "You know what this is?" Again, the only thought that could grace my mind was how fucking wierd this whole situation is.

"Okay," I headed for the door. "I'm going to get some air before my brain fucks itself over." I opened it. "Please for the love of all that is sacred, PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON!" I stepped out of the library for a second time that day. I halted halfway down.

"Shit, I forgot something." I muttered. I turned around and poked my head through the door.

"Hey, Twilight?" I said. He looked at me. "Sorry for, you know, smacking you and being a dick. I shouldn't have done that." He smiled widely.

"And I'll try not to get you so angry next time." Twilight said. I nodded my head and turned around, closing the door behind me with a soft click.

I walked for about five minutes, trying to understand why I was changed into a woman. I know that discord guy had something to do with it, But I mean why did he change me into a WOMAN! Honestly, I was either expecting to be a horse, or a total badass with an AK and an epic beard. I mean, I'm not exactly complaining about being a hot chick, but a warning would have been nice to have.

The ponies in Ponyville were now staring at me with wierd looks. They were still ponies, thankfully, Because I couldn't handle such a huge clusterfuck of nude people walking around. I saw all the (I think) male ponies and quite a few female ponies giving me a look that either said 'What is that sexy creature?' or 'I'd sleep with it till I die'.

Soon I was stopped by a random pony. He had a cocky smirk on his face and a really bad look in his eyes.

"Hey," He said with a wierd tone. "I don't know what you are, but I can see that you got yourself a fine body." He leered. I stared at him with a look of almost pure shock and disgust.

"Uh...Thanks?" I said. He still looked at me with those 'sexy' eyes.

"How about we go over to my house and...shake things up a bit." He tried to say with a seductive voice. I laughed loudly.

"Dude, I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but I will not do anything remotely close to sex with you. Even if I was drunk, willing, and the last person on earth, I'd still never fuck you." I said. He glared at me.

"Why is that?" He said. "I usually have mares like you crawling back to me in minutes." I rolled my eyes.

"Dude, I like girls." I said. His eyes widened considerably, before settling down on a soft grin.

"So you're one of them, huh?" He said. "It's okay, I understand you fillyfoolers don't know the touch of a stallion." I tilted my head a little bit.

"The fuck you talkin' about." I said. Then it hit me, That word was probably derogatory to gay women.

"Oh, Ha ha, You must be so physically attractive and charming." I said with a sarcastic voice. "Go fuck yourself, I'm not in the mood for this shit." the pony shrugged and walked off, probably with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Dickhead." I muttered. I kept walking, not really giving a fuck where I was going.

"Uh...Excuse me?" I heard a pony say next to me, I looked at who it was, stopping and expecting some pony to try to force themselves onto me.

"Oh hey, what's up Derpy?" I said casually. Derpy just kinda stared at me, which was wierd since her eyes are usually all screwed up.

"Uh...How do you know my name?" She asked confused. I tilted my head.

"I punched the guy that was giving you shit." I said. she still stared at me vacantly.

"Uh..."

"I'm Chris, remember?" She widened her eyes.

"You don't look like him. You look...different." I held up a hand.

"Don't ask, because I don't fully understand either." She nodded her head at that, trying in vain to comprehend it.

"Yeah, okay..." she drew out the okay part. "What are you doing."

"No Idea," I said shrugging. "Like I said earlier, I just Bullshit my way though the days. It kept me alive so far." She nodded again.

An awkward silence befell us then, making me start to shuffle my feet in irritation. I looked at Derpy with a large grin on my face.

"So, You wanna do something fun?" I asked. She shrugged.

"I guess so, What do you have in mind?" She replied.

My grin got even bigger.

"Oh, you'll see." 


End file.
